- Lolz Funny Stuff
Friday, April 17, 2009
I want 14 inch penis
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers that her boss told her not to reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile. Then he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman,
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
"Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
- Lolz Funny Stuff
After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile. Then he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman,
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
"Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
- Lolz Funny Stuff
New Alligator Boots
Chris and Mona are senior citizens, and Chris has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Mona, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the Chrise shirt you wore yesterday and the Chrise pants."
"What's different?" Frustrated, Chris goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Mona, do you notice anything different?"
"What's different, Chris? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."
Angrily, Chris yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"
Mona replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"
- Lolz Funny Stuff
"What's different? It's the Chrise shirt you wore yesterday and the Chrise pants."
"What's different?" Frustrated, Chris goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Mona, do you notice anything different?"
"What's different, Chris? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."
Angrily, Chris yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"
Mona replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"
- Lolz Funny Stuff
Monday, April 13, 2009
Soldier & Afghanistan Farmer
A soldier is on patrol in Afghanistan and he comes upon an Afghan farmer at his farm. He looks around and then approaches the farmer.
"How is everything here on your farm? Are you treating your animals well?"
"Yes," replies the Afghan, "very well."
"Great," says the soldier. He looks over and sees a cow in the barn. "You mind if I ask the cow how you're treating her?"
"Cow no talk," says the farmer.
Regardless, the soldier approaches the cow and starts chatting with it, asking it how things are going.
"Well, he takes good care of me. He milks me every morning and keeps us in good pastures with good grass to eat. I'm doing just fine."
The farmer's mouth is agape as he cannot believe what he is hearing!
The soldier returns to the farmer's side and asks, "How about the horse?
Can I chat with him about the farm?"
Again the farmer replies, "Horse no talk."
But the soldier approaches the horse, asks him how things are, and the horse says, "Things are pretty good. The farmer brings me fresh hay every week and we go riding every Friday to check the fences. Not bad at all, very happy to be here."
The farmer nearly can't believe his own eyes and ears.
He is scratching his head in bewilderment as the soldier returns.
The soldier says, "So, how about I talk to one of your sheep..."
The Afghan farmer breaks in quickly, "Sheep lie! Sheep lie!"
- Lolz Funny Stuff
"How is everything here on your farm? Are you treating your animals well?"
"Yes," replies the Afghan, "very well."
"Great," says the soldier. He looks over and sees a cow in the barn. "You mind if I ask the cow how you're treating her?"
"Cow no talk," says the farmer.
Regardless, the soldier approaches the cow and starts chatting with it, asking it how things are going.
"Well, he takes good care of me. He milks me every morning and keeps us in good pastures with good grass to eat. I'm doing just fine."
The farmer's mouth is agape as he cannot believe what he is hearing!
The soldier returns to the farmer's side and asks, "How about the horse?
Can I chat with him about the farm?"
Again the farmer replies, "Horse no talk."
But the soldier approaches the horse, asks him how things are, and the horse says, "Things are pretty good. The farmer brings me fresh hay every week and we go riding every Friday to check the fences. Not bad at all, very happy to be here."
The farmer nearly can't believe his own eyes and ears.
He is scratching his head in bewilderment as the soldier returns.
The soldier says, "So, how about I talk to one of your sheep..."
The Afghan farmer breaks in quickly, "Sheep lie! Sheep lie!"
- Lolz Funny Stuff
She is just my roommate!
Romeo invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Romeo's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Romeo and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Romeo and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Romeo volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Juliet and I are just roommates." About a week later, Juliet came to Romeo and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle." You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Juliet said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Romeo received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Juliet, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Juliet. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
- Lolz Funny Stuff
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Romeo and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Romeo volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Juliet and I are just roommates." About a week later, Juliet came to Romeo and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle." You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Juliet said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Romeo received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Juliet, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Juliet. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
- Lolz Funny Stuff
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Mean Lawyer
A local charity office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least 500,000, you give not a penny to charity.
Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the Charity rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken Charity rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated Charity rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?
- Lolz Funny Stuff
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least 500,000, you give not a penny to charity.
Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the Charity rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken Charity rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated Charity rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?
- Lolz Funny Stuff
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
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